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Depression Support Group


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#41
Milla

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first of all, welcome to everyone who's replied since my previous posts - it's proving so popular that it's hard to remember to name and welcome everyone.

QUOTE (lea78b2b @ May 18 2009, 02:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My h2b can be supportive, however sometimes gets a bit frustrated as i also suffer from anxiety and if i have to go anywhere new or alone i would be phyisically sick and i would have panic attacks.

Sometimes i am fine but have bad times this past few wks have been especially bad with me taking a lot out on h2b, i feel like im always yelling at him and kids for tinest things and i hate me when im like this.


i suffer from anxiety too - in fact this was the original cause of my having to stop work. i'm a student studying nursing, but my mentor on the ward was terrible and i became increasingly anxious on my shifts until i couldn't cope anymore. i had to interrupt my studies and quit my part-time job. now, having been out of work for so long, i'm terrified at the prospect of going back and am totally lacking in confidence regarding even the most basic jobs - i applied to work as a volunteer in a charity shop store room, but even that was too daunting for me and i couldn't cope with even going in for one shift.

i also understand about the self-resentment. i nag hubby all the time, and although it's usually water off a duck's back he sometimes gets fed up of it, but when he says 'how do you think i feel getting naged for everthing i do, listen to yourself!' it makes me cry because it makes me feel like i'm a really unreasonable person and am a burden on him, which makes me hate myself. poor hubby - he can't win!


QUOTE (Just Mrs Wood @ May 18 2009, 03:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Maybe your right, but my doc is so horrid.

He's questioned me before about why i had had a baby before marriage and said if i was in his country i would be basically an outcast! I had to sit there and explain myself!

I have seen other docs at the practise but they all act like your wasting there time.

I thought docs were supposed to be understanding and supportive!!!!?


wow, your docter sounds awful! can you change practices? if not, try and speak to which ever one is the least hopeless - they might be able to help you in this matter even if they haven't in the past.

QUOTE (Elsie @ May 18 2009, 03:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not sure if i suffer from depression or just get down sometimes.

It affects me differently in different years, sometimes i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I remember doing that lots when i was younger sat between the wall and my bed curled up with my teddy bear.
Normally it gets better around december - i guess with a lot to concerntrate on with Christmas. One year it just got worse and worse but that was because I hated my job. I didn't want to get up in the morning, I hated sundays because it meant monday was on its way - very simular to my first year at uni when I hated being there.

I feel a bit down on and off at the moment but I think that is just work and it will pass.
that's why i'm not sure i suffer from depression because i know what causes it and kind of know how to get round it.


it sounds like you have been depressed - just because you know ways of avoidinging it doesn't mean it's not real, just that you've learned what the risk factors are and have learned to deal with them to avoid getting swept up in depression in the future.

however, for anyone who is in doubt about whether they have been or are depressed here is a test which is pretty much what doctors use to diagnose depression.

http://www.mayoclini...ssion/MH00103_D

#42
Milla

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QUOTE (~♥snowcat♥~ @ May 18 2009, 04:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hiya, its Tess by the way-l changed my user name.
What you had put has made me cry, no-one has ever took the time to tell me this before, in fact l very rarely open up about all my life and choldhood etc so perhaps no-one knows, apart from my family and husband of course, but l have always told him that l've never been depressed, maybe its coz l have known people who have had bad depression and l was no where near as bad as them.
My husband used to drink loads and l'd hate that so we'd argue then he'd hit me etc etc...its taken about 3 years for him to realise how such a bad thing it is, and l have to admit, he has only threatened to hit me once in that time-God knows why but l've spoken about this to the girls on here and they said he should get help, since then, he has been fine.
You know sometimes when me and hubby have had an arguement, l go upstairs and cry on the bed as l feel l dont have anyone to talk to, my Mum doesnt wanna know about our arguements and l dont have friends l can speak to, and its at those times when l do feel very down, but luckily we rarely argue to that extent anymore!!
Sorry once again for going on, l guess this is a "pour your heart out thread" as well?


yes, i knew it was you Tess smile.gif

certainly it's a 'pour your heart out' thread. it's also a 'rage at the world for being so blooomin' crap' thread and a 'sobbing in despair' thread. basically, if you're miserable, this is the place to spill it! so in future, when you're feeling down, you can come on this thread - there are plenty of shoulders here to cry on!

hopefully this thread will get pinned, making it easy for us to find through veils of tears wink.gif

#43
Wee Mummy Pea

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Thanks for starting this thread, it is so reassuring to hear how depression affects so many people and great to be able to speak to people who understand.

My mum has chronic depression and I grew up with this. Her problem is low self esteem which has been passed onto myself and my 2 brothers. I only admited to my depression last year when I met someone who basically told me I had it, I went to the doctors and was on Citalopram for about 4 months.

My problem is self doubt and low self esteem and what I call 'wonky thinking' like reading too much into a situation or imagining people talking about me etc etc. I don't think I come across as having low self-esteem but I feel I am getting more shy in social situations. My problem is, I can be confident on the outside and then wiill go home and beat myself about what I did and didn't do or what I did and didn't say etc (Yes, I did it after the Glasgow meet too!)

I know my triggers, I can sometimes recognise bad thoughts and turn them into positive ones, when I am down I avoid social situations, sleep alot and eat rubbish, which is a terrible cycle because the things that make be feel better are spending time with friends, eating well and exercising.

I am pregnant now and desperately want to overcome this so I don't pass the self-doubting habit onto my child.

Mrs Joel recommended a website so I am going to look at that and I am thinking about seeing a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

Sorry, this turned into a much longer post than expected.

xx

#44
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Hi. Hope its ok for me to post on here. I don't suffer from depression, but I do suffer from anxiety. I guess its affected me off and on for years, along with low self-esteem. Just recently, I've begun to realise how much it was beginning to take over my life, as I was beginning to panic about going out and socialising, and just small things would make me want to 'shut down' and just hide away. Luckily, my h2b is very very supportive, and always manages to talk me around, but I could see my anxiety beginning to get out of control, and the last thing I want is for it to start affecting my work, so I went to see the doctor, and as I can't pin point the anxiety to anything in particular, he prescribed me citalopram 10mg. Ive been taking it for just over 2 weeks, and it seems to be starting to work. I just feel as though i can think a bit more clearly and logically, and am not so wrapped up in thinking about the negative side of everything. I'm also trying to look at how I manage my anxiety when it occurs, and make a few changes, so that eventually I will be able to manage it on my own. XXX

#45
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QUOTE (butterfly1 @ May 18 2009, 06:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hi. Hope its ok for me to post on here. I don't suffer from depression, but I do suffer from anxiety.


yep, by all means. i suffer from anxiety as well, as i think i may have mentioned higher up. it can make things very difficult indeed, so well done for getting help - hopefully you'll get back on track soon. one of my problems was that i didn't get the help i needed for a long time, and in terms of counselling i'm still not, and the result was that i've just gotten worse and worse. i'm now desperately ill and it's going to be hard to climb out of this hole that i'm in and get back to normal.

the thing about depression and anxiety is that they are cyclic disorders that fed themselves: eg. being depressed makes you tired, being tired means you don't feel like doing anything, not doing anything makes you feel even more sluggish and tired - and so the clycle continues.

with anxiety: doing a certain thing makes you anxious; to avoid the stress of anxiety you avoid doing that thing; by not doing that thing you develop a bigger fear of it and get even more anxious at the prospect of it.

in my case the 'thing' in question was my nursing placement. although some shifts were fine, others would be very difficult due to lack of support from my mentor, which made me anxious. the effects of this were cumulative, leading me to turn up to my shifts already feeling afraid that the shift would go badly. it got to the point that even shifts that would have been fine previously made me cripplingly anxious.

because of this, occupational health wouldn't let me attend my next placement, but i think that was a bad decision. if i had been able to start my new placement, and had received the extra support that i needed due to my ill-health, then i could have built up my confidence over time and over-come my anxiety. but since i wasn't allowed to go back, my most recent memories of being in the work place are of being naseous with anxiety and unable to cope. now that i've been off for nearly a year i have zero confidence about my ability to cope at work. i wasn't able to break the cycle of negativity and i'm paying the price.

#46
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QUOTE (Artemisia @ May 18 2009, 05:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
yep, by all means. i suffer from anxiety as well, as i think i may have mentioned higher up. it can make things very difficult indeed, so well done for getting help - hopefully you'll get back on track soon. one of my problems was that i didn't get the help i needed for a long time, and in terms of counselling i'm still not, and the result was that i've just gotten worse and worse. i'm now desperately ill and it's going to be hard to climb out of this hole that i'm in and get back to normal.

the thing about depression and anxiety is that they are cyclic disorders that fed themselves: eg. being depressed makes you tired, being tired means you don't feel like doing anything, not doing anything makes you feel even more sluggish and tired - and so the clycle continues.

with anxiety: doing a certain thing makes you anxious; to avoid the stress of anxiety you avoid doing that thing; by not doing that thing you develop a bigger fear of it and get even more anxious at the prospect of it.

in my case the 'thing' in question was my nursing placement. although some shifts were fine, others would be very difficult due to lack of support from my mentor, which made me anxious. the effects of this were cumulative, leading me to turn up to my shifts already feeling afraid that the shift would go badly. it got to the point that even shifts that would have been fine previously made me cripplingly anxious.

because of this, occupational health wouldn't let me attend my next placement, but i think that was a bad decision. if i had been able to start my new placement, and had received the extra support that i needed due to my ill-health, then i could have built up my confidence over time and over-come my anxiety. but since i wasn't allowed to go back, my most recent memories of being in the work place are of being naseous with anxiety and unable to cope. now that i've been off for nearly a year i have zero confidence about my ability to cope at work. i wasn't able to break the cycle of negativity and i'm paying the price.


I think I understand a little your anxiety in relation to nursing.
I was a student nurse for two years. I finsihed last summer. I decided that nursing just wasn't for me, but I think that low self-esteem had a lot to do with it, as I just just didn't feel good enough to be a nurse. However, I am now back to doing my old job of caring for people with learning disabilties where I am very happy, and don't regret leaving at all. Except, I do realise that if I had had more confidence in myself, then maybe things would be a bit different. XXX


#47
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I need a rant but i don't know where to start rolleyes.gif

I feel bad for being grumpy with my hubby sometimes, because I know what he is going through, but since he has only been suffering from depression recently for the first time, although I know how it feels I'm finding it really difficult being on this side of it, if you know what i mean? I know im suffering as well, but being with someone who is suffering as well is a whole new can of worms.



#48
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Hi girls smile.gif

I'm not sure whether i'm suffering with depression or not. I've always been a really cheerful person but the last couple of months have been awful. H2b was made redundant at the beginning of the year, and then my grandad passed away. Am working in a job I'm really unhappy in and everything seems to be getting on top of me. Over the last few months i've got progressively worse. I feel really low and tired most days. I can't remember the last day I didn't cry. I'm crying for no reason at all which is really strange. Also not sleeping at all. Have made an appointment to see the doctor this week. I've lost quite a bit of weight recently as well but i've not been eating any differently. I just don't feel motivated to do anything and feel really low.

I don't know whether it's depression or just stress?

xx

#49
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hiya Raych, It sounds like it could be a mixture of stress and depression, but if you have noticed you personality/character change from bubbly to low then it could well be mild depression, hope all goes well with the doctors xx

#50
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Thanks hun. I just don't seem to be able snap out of it and it's been getting worse over the last few months
x

#51
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QUOTE (Raych29.08.09 @ May 18 2009, 08:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks hun. I just don't seem to be able snap out of it and it's been getting worse over the last few months
x


sounds like it could be when you say you cant snap out of it, you want with all your might to be happy, but you just cant shake of that feeling of being down x

#52
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Yeah that's exactly how i feel. I'm even fed up of the wedding and can't get excited about it. I don't really want the dr to put me on medication, I just wanted to chat to him really, I don't know y
x

#53
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QUOTE (Raych29.08.09 @ May 18 2009, 08:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yeah that's exactly how i feel. I'm even fed up of the wedding and can't get excited about it. I don't really want the dr to put me on medication, I just wanted to chat to him really, I don't know y
x


You dont have to go on medication, there are lots of other things that can help, exercise is a huge one for lots of people, a healthy diet, St Johns Wort is a herbal remedy for it x

#54
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hi girls, well just had a quick glance through your posts, although its not a nice thing to say, its lovely to hear from everyone here who have been/going through bad/difficult times, to know we are/were all in the same sort of boat!!
My manager at work today brought up the subject of depression, and she asked me if l knew what bi-polar was, l said yes, but in fact she taught me alot l didnt know, its very interesting to know about diff types of depression l think.

#55
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I really don't know where to start here, I've always felt awkward talking about this as I confided in my ex about this and he used it to control me.

I had some really awful experiences when I was 14 and stupidly didn't tell anyone, I thought I was in love with an older guy who lived close to my parents and he was basically a psycho (literally), he was really abusive but I thought it was my fault (it's only really lately that I've started to realise it wasn't). So yeah I didn't tell anyone and it took me over a year to get out of there. The problem was that with him living so close to my parents it still happened a couple of times when I'd walk on my own from my friends' houses (it's hard to walk anywhere from my mum's without going down a secluded alley). The last time was about 6 years ago now but I still had nightmares/flashbacks every night/few days until about 2 years ago.

So I didn't tell anyone until I got who I consider to be my first boyfriend, he was really understanding but it didn't work out. My next boyfriend started out really understanding but then he got really controlling and used what he knew against me, I think I was at my lowest point when I was with him strangely enough, it felt worse when the guy who was meant to love and look after me turned so nasty.

I felt like I was depressed some days, I just couldn't get myself out of bed, cried instead of sleeping each night etc. but in the day when I had to get up and see my mum/dad/brother I'd "put a face on" and just act happy, I went a bit overboard with it sometimes and would get obsessed with stupid things like cleaning the house for my mum, I'd scrub the bathroom until my hands were sore, for a while I was obsessed with jogging and would jog a couple of miles each day, sounds weird but it made sense at the time.

Anyway, I met Jamie in November 2006 and tried for a couple of months to convince myself that I wasn't in love with him because I wanted to escape my situation at the time, plus I never thought he'd look twice at me! On a work night out he told me he wanted to kiss me but I was still with my n*bhead ex so I only let him have one kiss! I broke up with my ex straight away and felt so much better just being away from him, Jamie was the icing on the cake!

I still had my nightmares for a good few months but Jamie would take me to a b&b as often as possible and have me over when his parents were away so he could spend the night talking to me in my sleep to help me fight back in my dreams wub.gif he was so amazing. By the time we moved in together it only took about 6 weeks for me to hardly have the nightmares at all, I still get them every now and then but not anywhere near as intense or often I used to...

I don't know where all of that came from! I just needed to let all it out I suppose! I never felt able to talk to my doctor as my mum had depression and since she told the family doctor he didn't trust anything she said and just tried to force meds on her. That's definitely not a road I want to go down. I never went to the police about my neighbour in person but I did tip them off about the illegal stuff he had on his computer, I don't know if anything happened to him but it helped my guilt knowing I'd finally done something to hopefully stop him from potentially hurting someone else...

I need to stop typing now anyway, I'm rambling and I'm sure you'll be sending the men in white coats soon!!!

I hope I haven't upset anyone with this post unsure.gif

Thanks for starting this post, it really helps to let things out x x

#56
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did people just read mine and run away? sad.gif

#57
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Hi All - i have only just seen this thread - and was coming on for an im fed up rant anyway!
i have suffered from anxiety, depression and OCD now since my parents separated in 1998. I no longer have any contact with my dad after numerous issues - i made the decision to cut him out of my life for the sake of my health. However, i feel this has brought on a lot of my anxiety as most of it centres around separation from loved ones etc - i am terrified of ppl close to me dying (all are perfectly healthy but i cant escape the thought) and i have terrible thoughts of what may happen to say H2B when he goes away for the weekend.
I was prescribed citalopram back in Feb 2007 - H2B was going on our friends stag to Magaulf and i literally couldnt get out of bed through fear in the weeks before - i was absolutely convinced he wasnt going to come back! I wouldnt plan a thing after the date for months before - i even planned his funeral in my head! i can remember telling people i felt like my life ended on that date in May - all completely irrational but so real at the time. - i ended up increasing the dose to 40mg a day but then as i felt better i managed to reduce it to 10/20 alternate days - and last thursday i came off them completely. I have also used a counsellor (sp) through both the NHS and one i took myself too back in 2007 - and also attended a session of CBT but didnt carry that on.
My OCD seems to have calmed itself somehow - but luckily i have good friends around me who know what i am like with planning etc and we do manage to make a joke of certain things.

I originally wanted no tablets - but even icould see back in 2007 there was no way i could cope without them. Before this i had told H2B how i felt sometimes etc but i dont think he really realised until i had my "breakdown" - since then i just explain to him some days i dont feel like i should do much as i can feel an "attack" coming on and we work our lives around it best we can without it controlling it. I am also good at spotting the symptoms and if i feel i am coming down with an attack i will calm my week down etc so as not to put too mucj "pressure" on myself.

To be honest i find that i feel better when helping and listening to others so this thread is great for me - if anyone would like to chat please feel free to contact me! Otherwise i will be reading everyday! hopefully this will get pinned!

x x x

Edited by mrsaisthorpe2b, 18 May 2009 - 08:41 PM.


#58
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QUOTE (Beth - MrsC2be! @ May 18 2009, 09:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
did people just read mine and run away? sad.gif

Ah hun - u are so lucky to have found H2B - and it is true what people say - a problem shared is a problem halved etc! hopefully u will be able to move on now - you were young and it is natural to blame yourself at the time - but if you have managed to sort your dreams from everyday to rarely you are moving on and i hope for u that eventually they will go completly.
x

#59
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My sister and even someone on the forum suggested i should possibly see a dr about maybe having depression. Im scared though. I dont really understand depression nor know of anybody who suffers from this. I mentioned to a friend that my sister had mentioned going to the docs about depression and they said it wasnt a good idea, for job opportunitys and the way people would see me... I dont want to be judged if I do have depression. Its all very confusing. Do any of you ladies find yourself judged? Im not sure about going to the docs...x

#60
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QUOTE (Beth - MrsC2be! @ May 18 2009, 09:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
did people just read mine and run away? sad.gif



Ohh what a wonderful man you have found.. i cried! hehe ohh your so lucky and im glad you have found him!
With response to you putting on a face to your family, sometimes I feel this way. I always play the joker and say quicrky comments and some find it hard to believe im upset underneath. x

#61
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QUOTE (cazzarella @ May 18 2009, 09:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My sister and even someone on the forum suggested i should possibly see a dr about maybe having depression. Im scared though. I dont really understand depression nor know of anybody who suffers from this. I mentioned to a friend that my sister had mentioned going to the docs about depression and they said it wasnt a good idea, for job opportunitys and the way people would see me... I dont want to be judged if I do have depression. Its all very confusing. Do any of you ladies find yourself judged? Im not sure about going to the docs...x

I have never found myself judged - i have always been honest about my conditon but i didnt feel the need to mention it when applying for Jobs as it previously hasnt affected my ability to work. I suffer BADLY believe me - but i have told H2B to make sure i ALWAYS go to work as i actually get worse staying at home - i dwell on it and normally if i have 1 day off it ebnds up in a relapse with me. this is why it hasnt affected work as i dont let it!
I would go to the docs hun - when i first went i told him y i was there but i also told him i didnt want him to hand me anti depressants straight away - he refered me to a counsellor and this really helped.

#62
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QUOTE (cazzarella @ May 18 2009, 09:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ohh what a wonderful man you have found.. i cried! hehe ohh your so lucky and im glad you have found him!
With response to you putting on a face to your family, sometimes I feel this way. I always play the joker and say quicrky comments and some find it hard to believe im upset underneath. x


I think so too wub.gif

Putting on the face helped me sometimes, I'd almost forget I was doing it or I'd try to convince myself that that was how I was really feeling and it was trying to shine through... made sense at the time anyway! x x

#63
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thanks ladies. Some days I find I just cry and cry and im not too sure why. This may sound awful I would never kill myself, im a whimp but I get so upset that I think about it sometimes x

#64
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QUOTE (mrsaisthorpe2b @ May 18 2009, 09:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ah hun - u are so lucky to have found H2B - and it is true what people say - a problem shared is a problem halved etc! hopefully u will be able to move on now - you were young and it is natural to blame yourself at the time - but if you have managed to sort your dreams from everyday to rarely you are moving on and i hope for u that eventually they will go completly.
x


I really hope they do, I do feel like I'm getting there, now I can go a few weeks without them, it's such an amazing feeling, and when I do get them I'm not on my own when I wake up, h2b's always there to cuddle me better wub.gif

#65
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QUOTE (cazzarella @ May 18 2009, 09:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
thanks ladies. Some days I find I just cry and cry and im not too sure why. This may sound awful I would never kill myself, im a whimp but I get so upset that I think about it sometimes x

this is me too! i can honestly say i ave thought about it on more than one occasion - but i wouldnt be brave enough to try!

#66
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I wonder why feel this way? I then convince myself that it would only make things worse not actually better-which is true.. its like there is two brain cells arguing in my head! hehe x

#67
Mrs_Crispie

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QUOTE (cazzarella @ May 18 2009, 09:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
thanks ladies. Some days I find I just cry and cry and im not too sure why. This may sound awful I would never kill myself, im a whimp but I get so upset that I think about it sometimes x


I can relate to that too hun, I used to try and convince myself that I really meant it and could do it if I wanted but deep down I always knew I'd just chicken out or mess it up.

I think it can be part of our natural sad emotions to think about it though (not sure how much you can consider my opinion of normal given my previous posts!!!)

Talking definitely makes a difference though, even if you don't know how you feel or what's wrong if you talk enough it'll come out eventually...

x x

#68
Wee Mummy Pea

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QUOTE (cazzarella @ May 18 2009, 09:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My sister and even someone on the forum suggested i should possibly see a dr about maybe having depression. Im scared though. I dont really understand depression nor know of anybody who suffers from this. I mentioned to a friend that my sister had mentioned going to the docs about depression and they said it wasnt a good idea, for job opportunitys and the way people would see me... I dont want to be judged if I do have depression. Its all very confusing. Do any of you ladies find yourself judged? Im not sure about going to the docs...x


I never felt judged at all, my doctor was lovely. In fact I was honest with the midwife when I had my booking in appointment too because she asked if I'd ever suffered from depression. She said now that they know I have they will keep an extra eye on me in case I get PND. I felt/feel very supported. It shouldn't affect job opportunities because it would be on your private medical notes.

The only thing about going to see your doc though is that they will probably put you on antidepressants, so if you're ok with that go for it, otherwise either go and say you don't want medication and ask about alternative options or try alternative options yourself first.

HTH xx

#69
Mrs_Crispie

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QUOTE (cazzarella @ May 18 2009, 09:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
thanks ladies. Some days I find I just cry and cry and im not too sure why. This may sound awful I would never kill myself, im a whimp but I get so upset that I think about it sometimes x


I can relate to that too hun, I used to try and convince myself that I really meant it and could do it if I wanted but deep down I always knew I'd just chicken out or mess it up.

I think it can be part of our natural sad emotions to think about it though (not sure how much you can consider my opinion of normal given my previous posts!!!)

Talking definitely makes a difference though, even if you don't know how you feel or what's wrong if you talk enough it'll come out eventually...

x x

#70
Mrs_Crispie

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QUOTE (cazzarella @ May 18 2009, 09:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
thanks ladies. Some days I find I just cry and cry and im not too sure why. This may sound awful I would never kill myself, im a whimp but I get so upset that I think about it sometimes x


I can relate to that too hun, I used to try and convince myself that I really meant it and could do it if I wanted but deep down I always knew I'd just chicken out or mess it up.

I think it can be part of our natural sad emotions to think about it though (not sure how much you can consider my opinion of normal given my previous posts!!!)

Talking definitely makes a difference though, even if you don't know how you feel or what's wrong if you talk enough it'll come out eventually...

x x

#71
Silver Stars Bridal

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hi all,

firstly thanks to my fellow eeyore for starting this - they say we pick the winnie the pooh character we resemble most - so it should be the eeyore thread and thats why i have my name!!

i would like to share my story and hope its not too long - maybe some of you will see similarities and that will help us support each other

my depression started really when i had my daughter although i have always been an anxious person and had body issue problems. i also did my nurse training and was put off on sick leave after 2 1/2 years when my first marriage broke down - i never got the chance to go back and complete my training - i fell pregnant - my PND was so severe that at one point i wished someone would take her away or take me away - my marriage was miserable and i had no support at all. when i fell pregnant with my son i was told that immediately the placenta was delivered i would have an oestregen patch on and i then had one every day for 6 weeks - this helped a lot and i didnt get the PND with my son. however within a year the marriage was in complete disarry - there was violence - affairs and eventually on fathers day he got up opened his presents and cards - asked if i wanted sx and when i said no he said ok fine then im leaving you - i felt nothing but relief. i was made homeless by him and we got a house and my life lurched around - i was in and out of depressive cycles - on and off medication -

then i was with a guy who i thought was the one - what that actually turned out to be was the one i should never ever have gone near - he was an ex-heroin addict who swore he was clean etc and i was naive enough to believe him and think how well he had done - things were explosive between and he drank an awful lot - i thought things were getting a bit odd but he kept saying 'i love you i would never hurt you' then i fell pregnant with twins - i lost the first one at 9/40 and then the second one whilst we were in zante for a friends wedding at 16/40 - it was horrific and quite the worst thing to happen (but now i am grateful as you will realise) when we came back - he couldnt cope and then his granny got ill - more and more things werent adding up but still 'i love you would never do that to you' was all i heard - then february half term he disappeared in my car for 4 days - when he came back i was still suspicious but he was so convincing that i ended up back at drs on meds again and now also Valium as i was a wreck - by start of March he went missing again - and then i had a eureka moment and i just knew - he was gone and wasnt coming back - i went to hell and back and starting picking myself up again - when i moved the bedroom furniture around i found heroin paraphenalia under my bed - i realised the kids moeny boxes were empty - he had been back on it for months - he had had it in my house and i found later when he had borrowed my car and looked after the kids actually took them with him to score more.

it took me a long time to get over that - in between then and now there have been issues with overcontrolling friends too - i went through a mad summer where i just spent all my time in the pub on a weekend (kids in tow - not proud at all) but during a holiday abroad with so called 'friends' i realised that i needed to change - i had to change - so i did - i stopped going out - i went out and found a proper job back in proper work and off benefits and cash in hand, and i moved house - moved away from all the memories and bad times and began MY REAL LIFE as i like to call it. i also got myself sterlised - as i realised that he would have gone back to the heroin whether i had lost the twins or not and i would have ended up a single parent with 4 kids by 2 different dads (not a bad thing please dont anyone take the wrong way - but not something i could cope with).

as i got to my mid 30's i became more aware of me of who i am what makes me tick - but i swore never another man ever - and then h2b came along and literally like the film with one word he had me - hello was all it took and i knew, he knew we both just knew.

i still now and then suffered with mood swings and anxiety - dieting made me nearly bulimic so i have given that up and will be fat forever but am coming to terms with it - PMT definately seems to make my depression worse and i have 6 month cycles which build and are worse
so now i have it all - the forever house, the great job, the amazing supportive man, kids who remarkably are pretty well balanced despite all - which was why it was such a huge shock 10 weeks ago to have a complete breakdown and not be able to stop crying and rocking and howling unable to sleep - and no idea why - nothing to trigger it - cant blame divorce, relationship problems, PND, bad job, bad housing so what

well there is my revalation - back to drs (and i work in neighbouring \gp practice too so not easy step) and the realisation that depression IS AN ILLNESS the same as diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure - the chemicals in our brains are delicate - and mine are imbalanced - i am not mental, a nutter, a loony etc etc i am a normal woman with normal life stresses and i suffer with depression - it is hard to cope with and to accept this i have to say - i am back on 10mgs of Cipralex but feel so much better i cant describe it - no more black cloud - im not mega happy but im not mega down i feel more balanced and to be honest if i can stay like this i will take a pill every day forever.

had a bad day yesterday (due on so PMT again playing its part) and crying as i feel inferior to h2b first wife (no reason i just do always have alwasy will)


i hope i havent offended anyone - bored anyone to tears and i have so much more i could say

but maybe one day all us eeyores could turn into tiggers!!!
xxxxxx

#72
Mrs_Crispie

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QUOTE (**WelshEeyore** @ May 18 2009, 10:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
hi all,

firstly thanks to my fellow eeyore for starting this - they say we pick the winnie the pooh character we resemble most - so it should be the eeyore thread and thats why i have my name!!

i would like to share my story and hope its not too long - maybe some of you will see similarities and that will help us support each other

my depression started really when i had my daughter although i have always been an anxious person and had body issue problems. i also did my nurse training and was put off on sick leave after 2 1/2 years when my first marriage broke down - i never got the chance to go back and complete my training - i fell pregnant - my PND was so severe that at one point i wished someone would take her away or take me away - my marriage was miserable and i had no support at all. when i fell pregnant with my son i was told that immediately the placenta was delivered i would have an oestregen patch on and i then had one every day for 6 weeks - this helped a lot and i didnt get the PND with my son. however within a year the marriage was in complete disarry - there was violence - affairs and eventually on fathers day he got up opened his presents and cards - asked if i wanted sx and when i said no he said ok fine then im leaving you - i felt nothing but relief. i was made homeless by him and we got a house and my life lurched around - i was in and out of depressive cycles - on and off medication -

then i was with a guy who i thought was the one - what that actually turned out to be was the one i should never ever have gone near - he was an ex-heroin addict who swore he was clean etc and i was naive enough to believe him and think how well he had done - things were explosive between and he drank an awful lot - i thought things were getting a bit odd but he kept saying 'i love you i would never hurt you' then i fell pregnant with twins - i lost the first one at 9/40 and then the second one whilst we were in zante for a friends wedding at 16/40 - it was horrific and quite the worst thing to happen (but now i am grateful as you will realise) when we came back - he couldnt cope and then his granny got ill - more and more things werent adding up but still 'i love you would never do that to you' was all i heard - then february half term he disappeared in my car for 4 days - when he came back i was still suspicious but he was so convincing that i ended up back at drs on meds again and now also Valium as i was a wreck - by start of March he went missing again - and then i had a eureka moment and i just knew - he was gone and wasnt coming back - i went to hell and back and starting picking myself up again - when i moved the bedroom furniture around i found heroin paraphenalia under my bed - i realised the kids moeny boxes were empty - he had been back on it for months - he had had it in my house and i found later when he had borrowed my car and looked after the kids actually took them with him to score more.

it took me a long time to get over that - in between then and now there have been issues with overcontrolling friends too - i went through a mad summer where i just spent all my time in the pub on a weekend (kids in tow - not proud at all) but during a holiday abroad with so called 'friends' i realised that i needed to change - i had to change - so i did - i stopped going out - i went out and found a proper job back in proper work and off benefits and cash in hand, and i moved house - moved away from all the memories and bad times and began MY REAL LIFE as i like to call it. i also got myself sterlised - as i realised that he would have gone back to the heroin whether i had lost the twins or not and i would have ended up a single parent with 4 kids by 2 different dads (not a bad thing please dont anyone take the wrong way - but not something i could cope with).

as i got to my mid 30's i became more aware of me of who i am what makes me tick - but i swore never another man ever - and then h2b came along and literally like the film with one word he had me - hello was all it took and i knew, he knew we both just knew.

i still now and then suffered with mood swings and anxiety - dieting made me nearly bulimic so i have given that up and will be fat forever but am coming to terms with it - PMT definately seems to make my depression worse and i have 6 month cycles which build and are worse
so now i have it all - the forever house, the great job, the amazing supportive man, kids who remarkably are pretty well balanced despite all - which was why it was such a huge shock 10 weeks ago to have a complete breakdown and not be able to stop crying and rocking and howling unable to sleep - and no idea why - nothing to trigger it - cant blame divorce, relationship problems, PND, bad job, bad housing so what

well there is my revalation - back to drs (and i work in neighbouring \gp practice too so not easy step) and the realisation that depression IS AN ILLNESS the same as diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure - the chemicals in our brains are delicate - and mine are imbalanced - i am not mental, a nutter, a loony etc etc i am a normal woman with normal life stresses and i suffer with depression - it is hard to cope with and to accept this i have to say - i am back on 10mgs of Cipralex but feel so much better i cant describe it - no more black cloud - im not mega happy but im not mega down i feel more balanced and to be honest if i can stay like this i will take a pill every day forever.

had a bad day yesterday (due on so PMT again playing its part) and crying as i feel inferior to h2b first wife (no reason i just do always have alwasy will)


i hope i havent offended anyone - bored anyone to tears and i have so much more i could say

but maybe one day all us eeyores could turn into tiggers!!!
xxxxxx


Oh hunni you've had a tough time but you're getting through so well, like most diseases there's something you can do about it - things will get better x x

#73
Kimi

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I'm having a bad time tonight well lately in general.
I am not happy where we live, i want to move but i know h2b won't yet, and he won't look for another job he just seems to have no drive and although i am getting mine back it gets me down as although i am doing all of this for me, it is also for the relationship to.

As some of you may know its got the point where that and his lack of resdpect for me is making me consider leaving him.



xxx

#74
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well there is my revalation - back to drs (and i work in neighbouring \gp practice too so not easy step) and the realisation that depression IS AN ILLNESS the same as diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure - the chemicals in our brains are delicate - and mine are imbalanced - i am not mental, a nutter, a loony etc etc i am a normal woman with normal life stresses and i suffer with depression - it is hard to cope with and to accept this i have to say - i am back on 10mgs of Cipralex but feel so much better i cant describe it - no more black cloud - im not mega happy but im not mega down i feel more balanced and to be honest if i can stay like this i will take a pill every day forever.

It took me a while to understand that it is an illness and i spent ages trying to find a reason for it. I have a book now which i write and draw in and it seems to help. H2b also looks at it if i am acting funny and it gives him a better understanding of what is going on in my head without me having to explain!


but maybe one day all us eeyores could turn into tiggers!!!

Love it!

P.S. You made me tear up a little bit and i think you have so much strengh and courage to have made those desicions and be where you are now.

#75
Mrs_Gabbit

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Hi all. Kinda feel like i don't belong in this thread as some of you definately have it far worse than i have but as so many of you have said, depression has a huge spectrum.

I was diagnosed with depression when i was 15, so 8 years ago now. I was forced to leave school because of it, i suffered from severe anxiety attacks and i was on sleeping tablets and anti depressants. When i returned to the doctors to renew my prescriptions i was told i should never have been put on them in the first place because of my age and refused to give me any medication, they promised me counseling but never followed through so i have been left to deal with my depression and anxiety on my own. I was also self harming, i managed to hide it from my mum and after she discovered i was doing it i started doing it some where she couldn't see. I use to keep a bit of smashed glass wrapped in a towel in a lock box in my bed room, i woke up one day and was feeling more horrendous than normal, i got the glass out and went to cut myself, then i caught my reflection in a mirror and looked at myself - i asked myself what i was doing....i knew i could control it rather than let it control me. So i wiped my tears away and i walked to the nearest woodland and i threw that piece of glass as far away as i could. It has now been 6 years since i last self harmed. I have wobbly days, i work in a restaurant so whenever i am feeling down and a glass gets smashed i always think how good it would feel to slice myself but i know that going down that route is never going to happen again, it broke my mum's heart and it would destroy my h2b - people think you are a psycho for cutting yourself or that you're doing it because you want to die (my younger sister refused to share a room with me after she found out i was doing it - her theory was that if i could do that to myself god knows what i could do to someone else). I had a horrendous time dealing with it all on my own, my mum suffered from severe depression when i was younger so i have never wanted to burden her. I know i suffer from depression, i deal with it most days quite well but i still have times when i wish i could just run away, i have fleeting moments when i wish i were dead. My family causes me a lot of stress and i know for sure if i didn't have my h2b i would not be here. My depression led me to make a lot of mistakes when i was younger, because i was forced out of school i only have 3 GCSE's, i did make it into college off the back of an interview and i finished the course and made it onto a second one but then i met h2b and i lost my enthusiasm for the subject. I would love to return to college and do a uni course someday but i also have very low self esteem, i do not believe in myself whatsoever, my mum suffers from this as well so i think it may have been projected on to me. H2b tells me everyday that he loves me and he thinks i'm beautiful inside and out which is why i don't beat myself up over it every day. I dread parties and social events as i spend hours deciding what to wear and doing my hair and make up and i ALWAYS end up in tears when i look at myself in the mirror - i think i look ugly and fat and hideous and i hate myself. I am late for everything we get invited to because of it. I hate it when i feel low, i have no self motivation, no self belief and although i KNOW my life isn't bad i feel as if everything is falling from my grasp and i have lost control. My family and my job cause me a lot of stress, i deal with it as best i can but i have nobody in my life i can speak to about how i feel. I would never want to burden anyone anyway. I have told h2b i wanted to get some professional help as i have so many unresolved issues but i never know where to go or how to go about it. I don't have a doctor right now as i moved home and won't have another one until we move again later this year. The house is another cause of my stress. I hate feeling tired all the time, i hate that people accuse me of being lazy when i'm not I just have no motivation to do anything. It is the worse feeling in the world and yet there is no cure for it. No permanent fix. I plan to start trying for a baby once we're married and i am dreading the possibility that i may suffer from PND, my sister had it after she had her baby 3 years ago so i may well end up with it but i will cross that bridge when i come to it. I seem to be ok right now, i have had a few wobbles but i always pull my socks up and get on with things, i have to. If i fell apart so would my family and my work place. I have thrown myself into planning my wedding and it's made me feel amazingly better most days, there are always the bad days, i've had about 3 weeks off of work in the past year just because i've been too low to get out of bed even. Not sure my h2b realises it's depression but he knows i have bad days and good and he knows my mental health history too. I am open about it all when people ask or the subject is mentioned but i would never speak about it without prompt. I am so grateful this thread is here for me to come and speak to people who understand what i am going through.

Lou xx

#76
little~black~cat

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What a good idea for a thread, Isn't it amazing that when you are depressed you feel like you are the only one in the world that feels the way you do?!

I've had depression for about ooooh 10 years or so, I was brought on by the death of my brother in a road accident and pretty much then I dip in and out of the depression 'pool' on a regular basis lol! I tend to find that sometimes the simplest thing can push me into a depressed state, I suffered from panic attacks pretty badly for a few years but am steadily getting them under control (or so it would seem at the mo)

Unfortunately It always feels like bad stuff happens to me and really when i write it down it's quite a lot to cope with
my mum died when i was 11
my brother died when i was 18
my step mum died when i was 21
have been told i have to have IVF to have a baby
Wow, that's bettter so now you know (some of you might of known already! lol)
It's funny how you forget the happy bits in between the bad stuff .

I'm sorry that this is how it is for all of us,it's one of those feelings you wouldn't wish on people. I'd really love to be a part of this group if possible smile.gif
xxxxxx

#77
Mrs Jibber Jabber

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I've just been reading this thread from yesterday and i'm so pleased that this thread was started, I think that we have all benefited just by blurting out everything about ourselves really helps, I think that it's a kind of therapy in itself!

I'm feeling a bit poop today, I can feel that my anxiety is trying to rear its ugly little head. I get pains in my head when I am tense and I can feel them coming back sad.gif I have a health anxiety so I am convinced that these pains are something sinister even though i know it isn't!!

I'm just trying to stay chilled out and hopefully it will pass x

#78
Mrs Jibber Jabber

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QUOTE (xFrinx @ May 19 2009, 08:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What a good idea for a thread, Isn't it amazing that when you are depressed you feel like you are the only one in the world that feels the way you do?!

I've had depression for about ooooh 10 years or so, I was brought on by the death of my brother in a road accident and pretty much then I dip in and out of the depression 'pool' on a regular basis lol! I tend to find that sometimes the simplest thing can push me into a depressed state, I suffered from panic attacks pretty badly for a few years but am steadily getting them under control (or so it would seem at the mo)

Unfortunately It always feels like bad stuff happens to me and really when i write it down it's quite a lot to cope with
my mum died when i was 11
my brother died when i was 18
my step mum died when i was 21
have been told i have to have IVF to have a baby
Wow, that's bettter so now you know (some of you might of known already! lol)
It's funny how you forget the happy bits in between the bad stuff .

I'm sorry that this is how it is for all of us,it's one of those feelings you wouldn't wish on people. I'd really love to be a part of this group if possible smile.gif
xxxxxx




HUGE squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze xxxxxxxx

#79
xx**laura**xx

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Do you know what - i had the best nights sleep ive had for weeks last night - must be becuase i blurted it all out above!! thanks girls!
x

#80
♥jane♥

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I'm fed up today, and feeling quite unwell too.
Why is nothing in life easy? Why do you have to work so hard to achieve things that just seem to happen easily for everyone else without them trying? Sometimes I wonder if I even know what it's like to feel happy and content.


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